Summer of 1986
Hello, Hello, Hello....
Welcome to the 42nd year of wrestling at Alton. This year your commissioners have searched long and hard, in and out, up and down, back and forth, forth and back and in every crack to find the slickest, quickest and stickiest grapplers in the Lakes Region. Once again, from the depths of the Cardigan Mt. School. grabbing his tool while going to shul that loveable fool Nutso Neil has scoured (but not devoured) bushes and tushes all over the granite state so that he wouldn't be late in setting the date. Doing the working and the jerking for Nutso is that multiple personality, who proves that 4 skins are better than one, those masters of the elementary and the rear entry, the infamous Gangbang of Four. Together these frustrated five have given no jive and taken many a dive to make this wrestling night come...alive.
The first match of the evening promises to be one of the meatiest on record. The stage will buckle and the audience will chuckle as the first family of blubber, with bellies like rubber, that titanic twosome, who look really gruesome...Grandson and Great-Grandson of Fatschtick attempt to munch, crunch and have for lunch an awesome foursome. Opposing the Fatschticks are those 4 stand up, go down, feel around and hilarious comedians Smell Brooks, Steven Wrong, Would He or Wont He Allen, and Richard Pryher Open. The Fatschticks have used such classic holds as the egg roll, the fat fold, the stretch mark, the calorie crunch, the extra pound, the boyach bounce and the ladder drop to devour and overpower such worthy opponents as the obese talk show host, Donnahuge, The Fu Brothers, Toe , Kung and Bu, those lactic and didactic ballplayers Wade Boobs and Al Nipples, the Rand Brothers:Parker and Kruger, The Art Brothers..abstract, expressionist and F, the entire Maine Family: Chow, Toe, State of, and Aw, Bruce the 90 pound Kitchen Boy, and the Orbit Bunch. The comic combination, however, has a repertoire of hysterical holds that they will employ and enjoy as they attempt to dethrone and see the bones of the Fatschticks. They use and abuse such moves as the one liner shiner, the joke poke, the belly-ache, the night club, the pun punch and the knee slap. With these they have roasted and toasted such straight men as Ed McMahon Hole and Johnny Carsick, those mass murderers Son of Spam and Charles Manischevitz, The Honeymooners Jackie Grease-on and Fart Carney. Slim Pokins, Sid Seize-her, Rodney Copafeel, and Bob and Ray Orbit. Nevada Nina has set the odds at three tons to one in favor of the Fatschticks but don't pull the curtain prematurely on the comics, because they've paid their dues and have yet to lose on their climb to the Alton Arena.
Our second feature of the evening is an imported and aborted act from ancient Rome as we've reser-erected the Cervix Maximus to give you a crass class in the games of yesteryear. The unstoppable and untoppable Glad-he-ate-her (and so am I) will take on all comers and come on all takers in his quest to be the best and rule the arena. The emperor Zero will give the signal to live or die as Gladheateher faces a string of fartin' spartans and Visi and Ed Goffs. Look for thrills, spills, and a lot of blood as Glad takes on that revolting slave Farticus, Jerk-u-les, and the twins who always stab from behind Brutus and Fruitus. The Glad-he-ate-her will use such powerful pummels as the toga tackle, the senate slam, the triumvirate trounce, the forum flop, the hemlock hump, and the caesarian section. The challengers, being new slaves in the Alton Arena, have no known moves but they will attempt to hold their own, and if you've ever held your own, you know what a thrill that can be. Nevada Nina heavily favors the Glad-he-ate-her, setting the odds at CMX to V.
In our musical match-up, we have orchestrated and castrated some of history's most notable and scrotable composers against two of today's most well known rock n shlockers. Flushed up from the past, the composer of water music, Toilet Handel, teams up with one of the most introverted and perverted musicians of all-time, that writer who always managed to score but still wanted more, Ludpig Von Schtuptoven. Jamming with these two will be that cacophonous couple, Bruce Sunscreen and Cyndi Leper. The classical compatriots have mastered such moves as the concerto crunch, the sonata slam, the G-cleff, the bass bump, the woodwind whirl, the Baroque poke, the renaissance ram, and the piano pound as they have registered both major and minor triumphs in their steps and half steps over such opponents as: I-need-a-layus Mofart, that operatic tag team of Shu-Bert and Ernie, that long winded Russian- Tchaicocksky, Rossini and his peni, that elusive composer, Hyden-Seek, Johan Sebastain Bach-like-a-dog and Conductor Robert Orbitski. Meanwhile today's stars from the charts have updated and demonstrated an awesome array of some innovative and creative moves of their own. Included among their top 40 are: the Coppertone tan, the leprosy leap, the synthesizer slug, the drum stick, the guitar string, the punk punch, and the rap-wrap. Bruce and Cyndi have blown and thrown away such super and duper stars as: Depeche-a-la- mode, that cheating vocalist Roger Adultry, that depressed duo John Cougar Melancholy and Cry'n Adams, Eurethra Franklin, that self-satisfied jazz guitarist, Pat Myweenie, Weird Al Yank-my-stick, that former dictator turned bandleader, Baby Doc Severenson, Stevie Wonder Bread and Rock'n Robert Orbit. Nevada Nina has set the odds at 86 decibels to 3 in favor of the Rockers, but don't count out their opponents, who have already withstood and withsat the test of time.
Our final match of the evening will determine the future of camp. Technology meets tradition as Young Young Bull Walton Junior attempts to short circuit Tor and the Bain Corporation. Their plans to mine for uranium will turn camp into a place devoted more to luxury than learning, where the children's happy humming will be drowned out by drilling rigs and droning soda machines. In his defense of camp and all it stands for Young Young will employ such moves as the shanty smash, the Cheltenham slam, the quack whack, the Hanover hangover, the Philly flip, the rugby rip, and the scrum, Young Young has molested and divested such arched and starched opponents as the tennis terrors. Boris Pecker, Ivan Fondle, Arthur Up-My-Ashe, and Big Rod Laver, the wacky ducktator, Quadaffi Duck, Oil Can Hemerroid, the sexually speaking slugger, Babe "Doctor" Ruth, Queef Hernandez, the Turd Brothers, Rat, Cat and Bas, and Bobby 0. Accelerating into the ring to meet the challenge of Young Young will be that quick reacting and hyper acting maniac who always gets to the core of the matter, the Evil Tor. Tor cools and contains his opponents with such moves as the meltdown mash, the control rod, the neutron dance, the proton pummel, the fusion contusion, the plutonium pounce, the nuclear spear, and the Chernipple squeeze. Many opponents have melted down in the face of Tor's fury, including: The TV investigation team, Morley Shake-her, Dan Rather-Not, and Ed Totally-Radley, the nuclear scientist, J. Robert Oppenheiney, the It brothers: Cousin, S.P., S.H.. and Saggy T: the dictator turned television doctor, Ferdinand Marcos Welby, V.D., the lazy rock star, Billy Idle, and Rocket Orbit. Nevada Nina, fearing for her life, has not set odds or evens on this match, but it will certainly be one of the wildest and vilest in recent memory.
The arena is sold out with its usual overflow crowd of 13,909, with many former greats having made plans to attend. So don't forget, the date is set, place a bet, and may all your dreams be wet.
We remain, your commissioners,
Nutso Neil and the Gangbang Of Four