Summer of 1985
Hello, Hello, Hello,
Welcome to the 41st year of wrestling at Alton. Once again this year your commissioners have spread and straddled the globe, looked behind every earlobe, and even consulted Phin Tobe, in their quest to bring you nothing less than the best wrestlers in the world. The consulted Hulk Hogan and his brothers Roger and Logan, from “Animal” Steele they copped a good feel but as wrestling night drew near, your commissioner Nutso Neil did fear, that with Nay Nay not home he’d be all alone, so he got on the phone and looked for a clone. But when one couldn’t be found he again looked around and away went his frown for behind his backdoor stood that infamous quadruple threat the Gangbang of Four. Now with some young blood to pull on his pud, he had a plan to locate the best in the land and together they searched hi and low, until the best did flow, straight towards the Alton Arena. Come wrestling night, hold your head tight, for witness you will, excitement and thrill.
Tonight’s first match pits but doesn’t schvitz those purveyors and perverters of the Eastern Establishment., The Brooks Brothers, Mouth Lauren and Calvin Klutz, against those killers of deer and fornicators of steer, those drinkers of cess, feelers of breasts, and kings of the west Davey Crotchitch and Wyatt Burp. The brothers have made famous and socially acceptable such holds as the Izod Accost, the Bloomingdale’s Blow, the Macy’s Mash, The Wall Street Crash and the Jordache Slash, The Yuppie Yank, The The Honor Brothers: Your, Sacred and Jump and Robert Orbit. Meanwhile Davey Crotchitch and Wyatt Burp haven’t been sitting around playing with their ponies. They too have established reputations as real contenders. In their quest to be the best they have blazed across the bush and kicked many a tush, using such holds as the Lasso Lash, the Oregon Flail, the Mason-Dixon Clothesline, the Sun Belt, the forty-nine from behind, the gold pan, the bear hug, the Wounded knee drop and the fur trap. To gain their current places they had to smash the faces of such rustlers and hustlers as Wild Bill Hiccup. Daniel Poon, Ala-MO Dubrow, the trigonometric twins Cochise and Cosine, Squatting Bull, that Smelly Cowboy, Cesse James, that lover of desserts General Custard, that contraceptive cowboy Roy Rubbers, and of course Cowboy Bob Orbit. This match promises to be violent and never silent; full of moans and groans, and broken bones. Atlantic City Alex has set the odds at 5 to 1 in favor of the Preps. But don’t rule out the westerners because their pistols are loaded and ready to fire. Shetland Spank, The shopping Maul and the Martial Art Deco. In their nespotic and despotic rise to the top…and if you’ve ever been on top you know what a thrill that can be...they have defeated such plebeians and peons as that stupid politician Governor Dummer, that well hung public school graduate Horse-shack, that dreaded local blues singer, Townie McGhee,
In our one fall exhibition match you won’t have time to pump or dump as the as the offspring of Robert Orbit make their debut in the Alton Arena. Following his 700th loss Robert decided to dedicate his life to raising four of the meanest, leanest, but not cleanest fighting machines that the world has ever witnessed. These four, The Orbit Bunch: Out of, Elliptical, Shot into, and Olga K. have not defeated anyone, but this year they traveled the universe and beyond, dodging Bailey’s Vomit in their search for someone spastic, bombastic, and elastic. Finally they came upon the U.S.S. Rearenterprise and its occupant who has spent his time pulling rank (among other things) and filling black holes, Captain Jerk. Captain Jerk’s off the ship and on the ball as he deserts his faithful crew Boned McCoy and Dr. Schlock in his attempt to put down the Orbit family for the 701st time. Watch for him to use such moves as the Kling-on, the Quasar crunch, the light year lash, the warp speed whack, and the Andromeda Attack. The Orbits can boast of only one exceptional move, the gravitational pull. Atlantic City Alex has posted the odds as 300,000 to 1 in favor of Jerk.
In the third preliminary match, a. three fall spectacular, the armed forces will attempt to fight the battle of the bulges. In one corner the Army has drafted that soldier who shall always come again, that noise maker, poise breaker and Earth shaker, master of chemical warfare, General Douglas McFarter. Assisting him will be that drilling, filling and always fulfilling tennis player who serves ‘em up high and hard, always on guard and right out of boot camp, G.I. Lou. The other corner features those nautical nitwits: Captain Shnook and Admiral Chester Dimwitz. The Good Old Bugle Boys from Company C possess such powerful pummels as the boot camp boot, the c-ration crunch, the Iwo Jima jump, the D-day dump, the Hanoi hump, and the Pearl Harbor hump. They’ve defeated such rancorous and cankerous opponents as Alexander Vague, T.V. Ariel Sharon, Grasper Wineburger and fries, that insatiable Vietnam veteran, General Westmore-more-moreland, Rainbow, the happy beret, that vile and bile French General Charles DeGaullebladder, and P.F.C. Robert Orbit. Shooting out from the other corner the seamen will attempt to penetrate and impregnate the protection and insurrection of their arched and starched opponents. Using such maneuvers as the cargo hold, the come about clout, the captain crunch, the first mate punch, the Ensign pulverize, the galley grab, the starboard stab, the gun deck, the Horatio half-Nelson and the mast head butt, they’ve swamped such opponents as Blueballs the frustrated privateer, the stealing sea-god Kleptune, Admiral Mathew C. Fairy, Commodore George Screwy, the Jones brothers; John-Paul, Indiana and Along came, Ted Turn-on, and Cabin boy Bob Orbit. The match promises be to be one of the wettest, wildest, not to mention vilest of the evening. Annapolis Alex has announced the spread at three and a half points in favor of the Navy.
The highlight of the evening will be our final bout to determine the future of camp as the present champion, Grandson of Fatschtick, answers the challenge of former champion, As you know, last year it took Fatschtick only 22 seconds to poke out The Evil Eye. This year, however, Fatschtick will have his hands and mouth full. Using such holds as the Hickory stick, the Delta decapitation, the Phi slamma-jamma, the Philly flip, and the rugby rip, Young Young has defeated and defeated such worthy opponents as Mikhail Gorbacheck-for-lice, the Berry family: Colleen, Nabih, Chuck. Straw, Ray and Dingle, Fidel Castrol-GX, Ayatollah Cockamamie, the Cha of Iran, the Marx brothers; Karl, Groucho, and On your, that drunken superhero, Stuporman, the T brothers;, Mr. ice, golf and B.L., and in overtime, Robert Orbit. But Grandson of Fatschtick is no pushover. Having made famous such holds as the egg roll, the Boyach bounce, the groin grab, the Matt Press, The Peter pull...and Mary, and the ladder drop, he has defeated such notables and scrotables as those classic comedians Laurel and Eat Hardy, Sonny Boner and Share-me, Bruce-- the 90pound kitchen boy, Henry Fondle and Katherine Heartburn, the curvaceous cartoon combination, Jugs Bunny and Titty Bird, that famous newspaper duo; the Boston Mitch Globe and the Boston Herald Poverman, and in a controversial split decision, Bobby O. Young Young Bull Walton Jr.
This match will pit the egotistical against the egotestical in a fight that will bring great expectations, expectorations and ejaculations. Atlantic City Alex has refused to set odds or evens on the match because both Fatschtick and Young Young have vowed to take on all comers and come on all takers in their quests to be recognized as camp’s one true champion. The arena is sold out with its usual overflow crowd of 13,909 with many former greats having made plans to attend. So don’t forget, the date is set, place a bet, and may all your dreams be wet.
We remain your commissioners,