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Alton Wrestling

Summer of ‘70

Hello, Hello, Hello,       

Welcome to the 26th year of wrestling at Alton. Once again your commissioners have arranged a stupendous evening of wrestling for camp.  The first problem of the year was finding a replacement for the Grappling Goose.  Goose like other Alton notables and  scrotables, has left for broader horizons.  Field is into law, Goody is into poetry, and the Goose is into the Gander.  In our quest for great talent, we felt out the Far East, smelt out the Near East and felt up the South East, but got nothing.  Thus for the tenth consecutive commissioner we had to settle for next to nothing and chose the Mighty Mouse to team with The Fighting Fudge.  

The first match is a tag team extravaganza which brings together some of the wonders of the universe.  Two such wonders are small interstellar phenomena which traveled the universe for eons, peons, and right ons, smashing stars, dashing suns, and flashing moons.  On one such flash they became launched in the poopik of Neil Armstrong and were carried to Earth disguised as lint.  Forced to fight for a living they have entered the ring and assumed the titles of THE COSMIC CLOD and WHAT---THE UNKNOWN.  Together they have beaten such teams as Butch Kimmel and the Sundance Yid, Sky King and Hy Queen, Mannix Detective and Mannix Depressive and Robert Orbit.       

To repel these invaders we traveled to Rome hoping to enlist the Italian Army but unfortunately, he was out to lunch.  Taking the road to find new talent, we were just leaving Circus Maximus and entering Gluteus         Maximus when we perceived a number of oohs and ahhs, grunts and groans, and Dougs and Moans coming from behind a Roman tapestry.  These sound of pain and pleasure could only belong to that fabled tag team of         THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY.  Together they have already squelched, quelched and belched such tandems as the Toomey brothers - Dick and Sock it, the Orr brothers - Bobby and Iron, the Getty brothers - John Paul         and Ferlin, the Lomain Brothers - Beef and Willy, the Dike Brothers - Dick Van and Bull and Robert Orbit.       

The second bout is another Tag Teamer.  This year's foreign entry began as the Triple Entente and ended as the double entendre.  From China comes the well known Chinaman - Chang Kai Drek, and from the black forest of Germany comes that well known Prussian pig - BARON WOLFGANG GANGBANG VON SCHTUP.  Fighting hand in gland, they reached the climax of their career beating that well know pool hustler - Unsaturated Fats, as well as Cy Climates, Dark Shadows, Fellini Satriano, the Laughing Litvak and the Giggling Galitziano, and Robert Orbit.       

To stand up for America and beat off these foreign adversaries, your commissioners have enlisted the services of the savior of the flag, lover of the gag and filler of the bag - AL CLAPP.  To join AL we sought out the services of Doctor Doom's underhanded understudy - MARCUS LIPSHITZ, V.D..  Although this team has already beaten such brother combos as the March brothers - Frederich and Funeral, the Rush brothers Clive and Flag, the Cash brothers - John and Petty, the Fat brothers - Ara and Chicken and Robert Orbit.  Nevertheless Chang and the Baron promise to get Clapp and pick up V.D..       

The last match is of course for the championship and your commissioners promise nothing less than a battle royal.  Many think that Fatschtick Baboon has outworn his crown and outgrown his championship belt.  One such thinker is none other than LUCA BULVAN* THE ENFORCER.  Ever since Fatschtick made minced Lacunae out of Prince Hal the Goods, Luca has been training to beat the Baboon.  In one year we can see how this training has paid off as Luca has added 2 extra chins and one superfluous stomach, enlarged his empty scalp and grown two more rows of teeth in an effort to stuff the big man.  Neither contender likes to lose and we can assure you of a whale of a fight.


Stay tuned for further announcements
        We remain, your commissioners,
        The Fighting Fudge
        The Mighty Mouse


The Chamionship Match

Fatschtick Baboon

Weight: 17 hermits

Height:  6' 0"

Characteristics:  Ugly and vicious
                           Fat and malicious
                           Made Shlumpo Cry

Past Matches:  Defeated-
1964 - Yenkya Doodle, Little Squeezer
1965 - Leon the Peon, Vito Genitales
1966 - The Shmit Family, Bull Shmit, King Shmit, Tough Shmit, Old Crocker Shmit 
1967- El Dreco, Leonardo de Pinchy, Vincent Van Blow
*1968 - Prince Hal the Good (Champion)
*1969 - Three Little Pigs, Fascist, Officer, J. Edgar and the Prince
* Reign as Champion

Luca Bulvan
The Terrible
The Enforcer

Weight: Don't ask

Height: Big Enough

Characteristics: Teeth, chins, Pam

Defeated: Sir Barfalot, Gyro Gearloose, Maharishi Hash Hish Yogi, The Wasp

"That ring isn't big enough for the two of us!!!"