Summer of '72
Hello, Hello, Hello,
Welcome to the 28th year of wrestling at Alton. Your Commissioners have returned in tact after a busy hunt for new mat candidates. In their search, they have spared no pains, racked their brains, and pulled their trains to collect enough electrifying talent to send Tom Eagleton into shock. For your viewing pleasure, your commissioners have made personal contact with some of the finest wrestlers ever to come into their hands—and there have been many.
The first match is a tag team extravaganza. On one side of the ring will be teamed two figures from the allergy world. From the home of the swamp river, the hay fever, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver, comes that traveling salesman and part time con man - the FLIM FLEM MAN. He was discovered at local draft board 404 trying to sneeze, wheeze, and squeeze his way out of the army. He was spotted by Bobby Kraft - who was right behind him. In his wrestling career he has defeated such opponents as Art Fleming Jerry Mucus, Nasal Rathbone, the Boogie Man, and Robit Orbit.
Joining noses with the FLIM FLEM MAN is none other than that blackballed Mafia Chieftain - DON CORICIDIN. Once prominent in respectable New York Cosa Nostra circles, the Don was outcast for refusing to peddle cough medicine and opiated Geritol. Thus, the DON took his family and formed the Cosa Nostril, whose members live in an underground style of life known as the throat culture. The DON has O.D.'d such nasal drips as Charlie Brown’s best friend, Sinus; Chief Running Nose, Todd Teldrin, that junkie Cereal king-Sugar Smack, and his father Sugar Pop, Dave Rosen, and Robert Orbit.
To oppose them in this cold war come two veterans of international fame, Taking time off from their chess battle in Rinky Dink Iceland, where they have been crowning the Queen, pulling the pawn, and flogging the bishop are BORIS SPASSTIK and BOBBY PISSHER. Together they have checkmated such aficionados of the world of games as the Hollywood Square, Hugh Downer, that big dealer, the Count of Monty Hall, Chubby Checkers, the Parker Brothers and Robit Orbit.
In the second bout, your commissioners have arranged a public service match. Sometimes science gets out of hand. Two such scientific misfits are the FIGHTING CHROMOSOMES - MR. X AND MR. Y. They were spotted by your commissioners in a motel room in Franconia, N.H. in the midst of a quarrel. They would have split up if it weren’t for the thrills of Oral Meiosis, Anal Mitosis, and Passover Charoses. While having a drink at the Mouse Club in Franconia, they were slipped some L.S.D., which had immediate and incorrigible effects on them. They became evil chromosomes and were linked with their criminal cousin MR. XYY in a life of crime; there they have been pulling down genes, robbing sperm banks, and making many a Hor mone. Since then, they have mutated, castrated, and blind dated such duos as DNA and RNA, the Dash brothers, Bangla and 50 yard, the Minyan brothers-Friday night and Filet, the Zee brothers—Tappan and Schprecken, the Mature brothers—Victor and Im, the Fingers-Lady, Butter, and Sticky and Robit Orbit.
To destroy, annoy, and degoy this cell of evildoers comes that Nader raider, consumer crusader, and Chinese waiter - CITIZEN KEN. The citizen is always on the side of justice. He is constantly ready to right wrongs, sing songs, and pull shlongs. Already he has wiped out such notables, scrotables, and potent potables as that misguided psychologist Dr. Walter Ego, that notorious pollutant Enzyme Stuartti, that underhanded golf pro—Mac Divot, the revolutionary bigot Archie Bunker Hill, Booker T. and the Austin Healy’s, Sgt. Schrivers’ cousin-Sgt Pepper, the Buoy brothers-Jim and Dram, the Candy Man and Robit Orbit.
In the championship match, the campers will get their chance for revenge, as the HUNCHBACK OF ALTON BAY enters the ring. Unfortunately no wrestler has yet been willing to step forward and carry the camper’s torch of vengeance against the HUNCHBACK. Your commissioners are confident that a suitable opponent will be found. Little is known about the HUNCHBACK'S origin, but the story goes that several years a go during music night, he was the only person to shout ‘Encore’ after Steve Field's singing of Blue on Blue. Immediately he was beaten and thrown into the doghouse in the circle as punishment. For years he has nursed his wounds and flashed his moons planning his revenge on the camp. Drawn to Alton Bay by his love for fried clams, roller-skating, and miniature golf, he has set up training quarters under the Gazebo in preparation for the match. The HUNCH BACK has conquered such opponents as Steve McQueen’s effeminate brother—Closet McQueen, the Moto brothers—Mr. and Quasi, the W.O.G., the Clockwork Watermelon, Tom Scum, the Phantom of the Rec Hall, the Claw, that famous running back Ed Maraschino, and Robit Orbit.
We expect the usual sellout crow of 13,909 in attendance next Wednesday, August 16, Erev Flag Rush. So make your plans, clean your hands and hold your glands – and stay tuned for further announcements
We remain, your commissioners,
The Mighty Mouse