Alton Wrestling
Summer of '71
Hello, Hello, Hello,
Welcome to the 27th year of wrestling at Alton. During the winter season your commissioners have traveled the world over, searching high and low mostly high for new mat talent. Again, we are pleased to announce another mind-blowing, bladder flowing and lawn mowing evening of wrestling. The first order of business was to find a suitable replacement for the Fighting Fudge who, in a corporate shuffle, got the proverbial kick upstairs to become Executive Coordinator, a title made famous by the A-Crew’s Mike Fox. After long hours of probing the candidates and checking their credentials, we grabbed the nearest one at hand who quickly rose to the occasion. We gladly announce the appointment of Kid Cadiff to team with the Mighty Mouse as your commissioners.
The first match is a tag team extravaganza. On one side of the ring will be teamed two legendary heroes of the old West. From his heart-lung machine at the Peter Stromberg Home for the Aged comes the only survivor of Custer’s Fruit Stand - Jack Scab alias Little Fat Man. We discovered him while he was doing his daily memory exercises in which he tries to remember where his hands are.
Joining Little Fat Man is none other than that frontiersman, backwoodsman and rear entry man - The Stoned Ranger. The Ranger was separated from his Indian companion, Crazy Horse’s brother - Uncut Horse - whom he last saw tied up in Needle Park, scalping heroes and shooting heroines. Stoned and the Fat Man have hacked, whacked and smacked such tandems as Justice Felix Frankfurter and Justice Warren Cheeseburger, alias Cohen and Schwartz, the Pentagon Papers - Zig and Zag, Oral and Anal Roberts, Dan August and Harry September, and Robert Orbit.
To take the wind out of their bags, your commissioners have engaged the services of two musical misfits - Buddy Itch and Gene Crapper. Once great drummers, they were kicked out of the musicians’ union when it was learned that they had been banging to the beat of a different drum. Using such holds as the Percussion Concussion, the Drum roll, the Cymbal Smash and the Rhythm Method, they have defeated such notables and scrotables as the singing Toilet - Elton John, the Stills Brothers - Steve and Window, the Cold Cuts - Bill Lownee and Sal Ami, the Maine Brothers - Chow, Yaka and Lewiston, the Boatniks - Phil and Rose, the Mixed Doubles team of Judy and Tom Collins, and Robert Orbit.
In the second match your commissioners have arranged for an ecological extravaganza, representing those who would foul our nests, DDT our pests, and squeeze our tests, comes straight from the heart of Con Edison - The Sultan of Soot and The Wizard of Smog. Together they have destroyed such beatables and eatables as Mr. Queen and the Man from Gland, the Blue Brothers - Vida and Fountain, the Pretzel Brothers - Elvis and Lance, the Left Brothers - Left Bank and Left Shoulder, and Robert Orbit.
To blot out these blighters, your commissioners have brought two grapplers to be reckoned with. From merry old England, we bring you the greatest one man cleaner in history - Larry White, The Light Knight. Larry has beaten such master matmen and phenomenal fat men as Dirty Dan Detergent, Smokestack Calhoun, the pollutatroupers Colonel Beau Rax, General Combustion and Private Fumes, and Robert Orbit. To join Larry we have acquired the services of the only Kosher Daredevil motorcycle rider in history - Evil Knish. Evil has just recovered from an injury suffered while trying to jump over the Wailing Wall blindfolded. During the winter he has recuperated, and has sworn off his motorcycle, given up his bicycle, and fallen off his menstrual cycle. Though a mere novice he has already bested Andy Kosherdeli, Mario Andreki, Oliver Mobile Holmes, the Japanese mass murderer Toyota Corona, and Robert Orbit.
In the final bout the campers and STP will get their chance for revenge when the Phantom of the Rec. Hall enters the ring. The Phantom himself is shrouded in mystery. Little is known of this masked figure except that years ago he was performing at music night and was booed off the stage in the midst of a rendition of Blue on Blue. He has since sworn revenge and promised to make the campers eat their words, flip their birds, and drop their turds. The Phantom has been warming up by beating such ghoulish greats and memorable monsters as Son of Finklestein, King Shlong, famous Transylvania shortstop Bella Fregosi, Edgar Allen Shmoe, Drekula, and Robert Orbit. The Phantom vows that he will take on all comers and come on all takers. Who the exact takers will be is still undetermined as elimination bouts are taking place.
The contenders are Little Jack Horny, Rumple Foreskin, Repulsive the three missing dwarfs - Dopey Dwarf, Booby Dwarf, and that famous thief Rip Dwarf, Goldielux and Bagels, Hans Jewish Silverstein, and Robert Orbit.
We expect the usual sell out crowd of 13,909 in attendance next Wednesday — Erev Flag Rush. So get your tickets, sticky your wickets, and Peter your pickets — and stay tuned for further announcages.
We remain,
Your commissioners,
The Mighty Mouse and
Kid Cadiff