"The Final Chapter"
Summer of ‘92
This turned out to be the final Alton wrestling announcement
***Special thanks to Rob Stone for sending it in!***
Hello, Hello, Hello
Welcome to the 48th year of wrestling at Alton. This year the commissioners return to satiate and ingratiate themselves by collecting and disinfecting some of the hairiest, scariest and just plain nastiest wrestlers in the Lakes Region. As always the team is headed up by that triumvirate of fools who always know how to use their tools, the Gangbang of Three. The Sensitive Snake, The Grappling Goyim and The Mauling Mule are assisted and have had their advances resisted by two who know how to inflict pain and act insane, The Marquis De Stone and JR Reshak. Working all year, this elite but never discrete team has compiled and defiled a wrestling night that is sure to top even your wildest expectations. You'll do a little dance and even soil your pants when Monday's extravaganza gets underway (and underwear).
The first bout will settle scores and re-open sores as three teams of siblings will enter the ring, among other places, to try and determine which family is camp's best. In one corner come a pair of Brothers from the prehistoric town of Stoughton-rock, Fred Flinstein and his little pal Tourette saurus Rex. These two insightful and incestuous Neanderthals have been defrosted, not to mention deloused, in time for Monday's match. On the other side of the ring are two of camps most spastic and bombastic ballplayers, two brothers who always dribble before they shoot: Bernie Hoops and the Hookie Monster. In yet another corner are a diminutive pair of rock'n'rollers. The Stone Brothers, Marquis de Stone and his little brother Kidney De Stone. All three teams have promised victory and triumph for their clans. On their way to this confrontation, the caveman have clubbed over the head many opponents from the Jurassic, Paleolithic and rest periods including the drum-playing cave Boy, Barney Hubbell, The first upright human - Homo Erection, Cro-Maggot Man, the Dinosaur who wipes too vigorously Bronto-sore-ass, Wet Wooly Mammoth, the cat from Colorado with a big gap between his teeth, Sabo-Toothed Tiger, The Ness brothers, Eliot , Loch and pee, and Ophir Neanderthal. However, Bernie Hoops and The Hookie Monster have not been idly playing with their balls , as they have used such moves as the pick and egg roll, the full court press, the double stack and the backcourt hack to overpower and deflower such opponents as Kareem of Wheat Jabbar, Michael Jordy, the middle Eastern point guard- Bob Cous Cous, Scotty Pippen Scripts, Minute Bolls, Charles Barkley like a dog, I've got a Magic Johnson, Karl Baloney, Wedgie Lewis, Meatloaf Schrempf, Johnny Moist, Jeff Horna-check for Lice, Hersey Squirts Hawkins, the lying center, Moses Mallon, and Ophir sink the ball. The Stone Brothers have only defeated each other but they have lost to such icons of popular culture as Anette Tune-My-Cello, Neil Se-dockswim, The art Brothers, Modern Abstract and Smelly F, Marilyn Monroadkill, Barry Manilowy, River Kleenex, Penelope Sam Miller, The puppet who always concerned about your movements, Howjya Doody, Olivia Newton Highlands and Danny Velveeto. In these bouts they have been perfecting such tortures as the Hot Sauce Hump, the dehydration dump, the juicer jump, and the colgate pump. Yof the Bookie has placed his confidence with the team of cavemen, but no one is quite sure what to expect from this first ever Alton three-way........ wrestling match.
In tonight's feature bout, a team reunited from last year will try to defend their reputation as one Alton's most ruff, tuff and in the buff tag teams ever. These royal pains in the ass have benched, cleaned and jerked more weight than the entire Holy Roman Empire. First comes, the hippest and smelliest member of the Aristocracy, The Fresh Prince of Smelly Air. His partner in grime , hails and flails from the Steppes of Mongolia, not to mention the steps of bunk G-1, a man who is the rightful heir to the throne (each morning after breakfast) Goobla Khan. These two have promised to rule with an iron fist and protect their family jewels while subjecting their serfs to such moves as the scepter stomp, the royal romp, the majestic munch, the chastity belt, and the naked power grab . They have consulted with the great political philosopher Machiasmelly while developing the tactics that have enabled them to divide and conquer such unworthy opponents as Prince Charles in Charge and Lady Diarrhea, Julius Caesar Hands, Benito Chocolate Mussolini, the ruthless German leader who makes a great breakfast, Bisquick, Snow White Supremacist, The Mint brothers, pepper, Junior and extra, King Slut, Indira Ganick, Chang Kai Shechner, and Sir Ophir of Finkelthal On the other hand, and if you've ever used the other hand you know what a satisfying change of pace that can be, are three religious zealots who are attempting to convert anyone who stands in their way. The first is a TV evangelist who loves smores, Billy Graham Cracker. Also joining him is a man who has led wandering Hebrews on hikes to the mountain top, The Burning Bushwhacker. Rounding out the team is a biblical character, only a few cubits high, but still a deadly fighter, Noah. These born again battlers have employed such moves as the bible belt, the baptismal bop, the immaculate concussion, the ethical discussion and the pope-a-rope. They have struck down sinners and skipped Sabbath dinners while judging and condemning such opponents as the Hebrew leader who ascended mount Sinus, Noses, the apostle who overate at the last supper, Puke, Oral and Anal Roberts, Judas Plotner, Anti-Semitey Sam, and Reverend Ophir Finklelthal. This match should prove that religion is the opiate of the masses and the kicker of all asses as Yof the Bookie has predicted that the religious zealots shall overcome the shackles of the ruling class.
Finally, the Rec-Hall will come alive with the sounds of chanting as camp's one true Champion enters the ring to defend his title. The Great Glenno has suffered through painful migraines and the abuse of his best friend Kappy, to embark on the most serious training session of his career. With Kappy now spurring him on, Glen will lift weights, run Aikens, and get himself in peak physical condition in order to attempt to reveal the identity of the Prophet. The Prophet, meanwhile, draws strength from those in camp who chose to support him. Their prayers and rituals have already proved their power as they turned Glenno and Kappy against one another, and struck down the champion with mysterious ailments. Victory and vengeance will be his, sayeth the prophet, at which point he may reveal which of his followers have chosen the true path. Yof the Bookie will not be accepting bets on this match, as the stakes are already high enough.
So come one, come all, come often but not too early to the Alton Arena. The Arena is sold out with its usual overflow crowd of 13,909, with many former greats having made plans to attend. So don't forget, place a bet and may all your dreams be wet, we remain your commissioners....
The Grappling Goyim The Mauling Mule, The Sensitive Snake, Marquis De Stone and JR Reshak.