Honorary Altonite?
Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:04 am
Several months ago, I proposed that we make Kinky Friedman, (famously of "Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys") an honorary Altonite -- Say, how did the Texas gubernatorial election come out anyway? Unfortunately, this idea went nowhere.
It has recently come to my attention that Andy Borowitz (famously of the Borowitz Report) deserves the same attention -- or inattention, depending on your point of view. Whether or nor we extend honorary Altonitehood to Andy, you may want to consider signing up for the daily Borowitz "shocker" email. The following is but a modest example of what you'll be in for.
October 21, 2004
STEINBRENNER ACQUIRES NUCLEAR WEAPON
Trades Alex Rodriguez to Kim Jong-Il
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner acquired a nuclear weapon today in a transaction that sent slugger Alex Rodriguez and an undisclosed sum of cash to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.
While national security experts were divided over what possible use Kim might have for the All-Star infielder, there was unanimity of opinion about Mr. Steinbrenner's plans for his newly-minted nuclear arsenal.
"The warhead that George Steinbrenner has acquired, if deployed on a ballistic missile he already owns, could reach Fenway Park in a matter of minutes," said Donaldson Tobin of the University of Minnesota.
Dr. Tobin, who studies the complex web of relationships between rogue states and baseball owners, said that no one should be surprised by the transaction between Mr. Steinbrenner and Kim Jong-Il: "They've been friends since the late 1980's, when they met at an Axis of Evil golf outing in Scottsdale."
As for the deal itself, Dr. Tobin believes that Mr. Steinbrenner may have gotten the better of his North Korean counterpart: "For all we know, Kim Jong-Il may think that 'A-Rod' means the same thing as 'fuel rod.'"
On the campaign trail in Ohio, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry blasted President George W. Bush for allowing a weapon of mass destruction to fall into the hands of the mercurial Yankees owner.
"Thanks to the failed policies of George Bush, it is now easier to get a nuclear weapon than a flu shot," Mr. Kerry said.
Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry apologized today for saying that Laura Bush never held a real job, noting that for the past twenty-seven years Mrs. Bush has worked with the mentally impaired.
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It has recently come to my attention that Andy Borowitz (famously of the Borowitz Report) deserves the same attention -- or inattention, depending on your point of view. Whether or nor we extend honorary Altonitehood to Andy, you may want to consider signing up for the daily Borowitz "shocker" email. The following is but a modest example of what you'll be in for.
October 21, 2004
STEINBRENNER ACQUIRES NUCLEAR WEAPON
Trades Alex Rodriguez to Kim Jong-Il
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner acquired a nuclear weapon today in a transaction that sent slugger Alex Rodriguez and an undisclosed sum of cash to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.
While national security experts were divided over what possible use Kim might have for the All-Star infielder, there was unanimity of opinion about Mr. Steinbrenner's plans for his newly-minted nuclear arsenal.
"The warhead that George Steinbrenner has acquired, if deployed on a ballistic missile he already owns, could reach Fenway Park in a matter of minutes," said Donaldson Tobin of the University of Minnesota.
Dr. Tobin, who studies the complex web of relationships between rogue states and baseball owners, said that no one should be surprised by the transaction between Mr. Steinbrenner and Kim Jong-Il: "They've been friends since the late 1980's, when they met at an Axis of Evil golf outing in Scottsdale."
As for the deal itself, Dr. Tobin believes that Mr. Steinbrenner may have gotten the better of his North Korean counterpart: "For all we know, Kim Jong-Il may think that 'A-Rod' means the same thing as 'fuel rod.'"
On the campaign trail in Ohio, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry blasted President George W. Bush for allowing a weapon of mass destruction to fall into the hands of the mercurial Yankees owner.
"Thanks to the failed policies of George Bush, it is now easier to get a nuclear weapon than a flu shot," Mr. Kerry said.
Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry apologized today for saying that Laura Bush never held a real job, noting that for the past twenty-seven years Mrs. Bush has worked with the mentally impaired.
To unsubscribe to this e-mail list please paste the following URL: <A HREF="http://www.borowitzreport.com/contact.a ... tate.vt.us" TARGET="_blank"><A HREF="mailto:http://www.borowitzreport.com/contact.a ... .us</A></A> into your browser address bar or forward this message to "remove@borowitzreport.com".
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Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend: <A HREF="http://www.borowitzreport.com/email_for ... us&rec=990" TARGET="_blank"><A HREF="mailto:http://www.borowitzreport.com/email_for ... rec=990</A>
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kuper@mail.crt.state.vt.us