Honorary Altonite?

These are the positings from the old message board !!

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Michael Kupersmith

Honorary Altonite?

Post by Michael Kupersmith »

Several months ago, I proposed that we make Kinky Friedman, (famously of "Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys") an honorary Altonite -- Say, how did the Texas gubernatorial election come out anyway? Unfortunately, this idea went nowhere.

It has recently come to my attention that Andy Borowitz (famously of the Borowitz Report) deserves the same attention -- or inattention, depending on your point of view. Whether or nor we extend honorary Altonitehood to Andy, you may want to consider signing up for the daily Borowitz "shocker" email. The following is but a modest example of what you'll be in for.

October 21, 2004
STEINBRENNER ACQUIRES NUCLEAR WEAPON

Trades Alex Rodriguez to Kim Jong-Il

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner acquired a nuclear weapon today in a transaction that sent slugger Alex Rodriguez and an undisclosed sum of cash to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

While national security experts were divided over what possible use Kim might have for the All-Star infielder, there was unanimity of opinion about Mr. Steinbrenner's plans for his newly-minted nuclear arsenal.

"The warhead that George Steinbrenner has acquired, if deployed on a ballistic missile he already owns, could reach Fenway Park in a matter of minutes," said Donaldson Tobin of the University of Minnesota.

Dr. Tobin, who studies the complex web of relationships between rogue states and baseball owners, said that no one should be surprised by the transaction between Mr. Steinbrenner and Kim Jong-Il: "They've been friends since the late 1980's, when they met at an Axis of Evil golf outing in Scottsdale."

As for the deal itself, Dr. Tobin believes that Mr. Steinbrenner may have gotten the better of his North Korean counterpart: "For all we know, Kim Jong-Il may think that 'A-Rod' means the same thing as 'fuel rod.'"

On the campaign trail in Ohio, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry blasted President George W. Bush for allowing a weapon of mass destruction to fall into the hands of the mercurial Yankees owner.

"Thanks to the failed policies of George Bush, it is now easier to get a nuclear weapon than a flu shot," Mr. Kerry said.

Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry apologized today for saying that Laura Bush never held a real job, noting that for the past twenty-seven years Mrs. Bush has worked with the mentally impaired.

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kuper@mail.crt.state.vt.us
Uncle Moish
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Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:11 pm

NO WAY

Post by Uncle Moish »

should Alton be so besmirched.

Forget the disrespect Mr. Borowitz displays to the Chief Executive of the most humane nation on earth. [What other county has candidly denominated the situation in Darfur GENOCIDE!]

It is time to recognize that most Americans recoil every time coastal intellectuals look down their long noses and sneer at the good intentions [albeit not always correctly applied] reflected in America's spirit and ideals.

And those who had desired a Kerry presidency ought to be even MOORE upset. It is/was these attitudes which resonated so poorly with a significant portion of America that it put President Bush over the top.

A [stiff-necked?] people who fail to learn from their history of mistakes invariably repeat them.

Most dejectedly,
Mark



mark@lgpltd.com
DDD
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Posts: 118
Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2003 7:00 pm

Re: NO WAY

Post by DDD »

As a 'values voter' myself (albeit as a partisan on the losing side), I think it was more the questions of our American responses to terror ("Are you more afraid today than you were on Sept 10th, 2001?" and "Whom do you think will be best able to lead the country through these troubled times?") that settled the election for GWB than any other.

In the role of putatively objective analyst, I also want to point out that the single greatest positive correlation with JK votes (after Dem party affiliation) was population density. Consider that, if you will.

Although I think the country may have choosen, umm, less than perfectly, I respect the validity of the decision. That in itself may separate my position from that from MMoore and Co.

[Many of the readership of this board are probably bored to death at this point. Let's MoveOn.org ;-) ) ]

DDD


ddavis@copyright.com
Michael Kupersmith

Re: ANY WAY

Post by Michael Kupersmith »

November 9, 2004
ASHCROFT NAMED AMBASSADOR TO MARS

Leaves Justice Department After Justice Department Vanishes

Moments after resigning his post at the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft was tapped for another big job in the Bush administration, being named the United States' first-ever ambassador to Mars.

"I can think of no one better suited to being ambassador to Mars than John Ashcroft," said President Bush in a brief statement. "He has been preparing for this job for his entire life."

Mr. Ashcroft said that he was motivated in part to resign from the Justice Department because the Justice Department no longer existed.

The Department, which had been gradually disappearing over the past three and a half years, completely vanished over the weekend, Mr. Ashcroft said.

"Once I saw that the Justice Department was, in fact, no longer there, I said to myself, 'Mission accomplished,'" Mr. Ashcroft told reporters.

In Washington, speculation ran rampant that Mr. Ashcroft's lightning-rod status had motivated the White House to shift him to a role where he could do little damage, serving as ambassador to a presumptively unpopulated planet.

But Mr. Ashcroft quickly dispelled all such talk, telling reporters that he had ambitious plans to turn Mars into a penal colony "that will be the envy of the solar system."

One White House aide, on condition of anonymity, had this to say about Mr. Ashcroft's new posting: "At least when John's on Mars we won't be able to hear him sing."

Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry announced today that she would embark on a three-week tour of the red states, stopping in each state to cuss out random voters.



kuper@mail.crt.state.vt.us
UNCLE MARKIE

Re: OF COURSE, DAVID

Post by UNCLE MARKIE »

THE FIGHT AGAINST TERRORISM [and antipathy to a candidate who had a secret way of prevailing in Iraq but would not share it prior to 11/2 nor since] WAS A MUCH BIGGER FACTOR THAN THE UNDERSTANDABLE REACTION TO SANCTIMONIOUS COASTAL INTELLECTUALS.

BUT SINCE A SHIFT OF JUST 100,000 OHIO VOTERS COULD HAVE BROUGHT ABOUT A DIFFERENT OUTCOME, THOSE BELIEVING BUSH'S DEFEAT WAS VITAL OUGHT IN THE FUTURE TRY TO MUZZLE THOSE FAVORING VENTING OVER ACHIEVING WHAT THEY CLAIM [or pretent to claim] WOULD BE MORE FAIR AND EFFECTIVE GOVERNANCE.

MARKIE



mark@lgpltd.com
Tony Gillott
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Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2001 7:00 pm

Humility

Post by Tony Gillott »

As in virtually every truly democratic society come election time we have a situation!
That is, the fact that far more people did not vote for the winner than did vote for the winner, I believe that somewhere, sometime along the way the victor should acknowledge and be aware of this and show some humility.
Regards
Tony G
(the limey)
PS
Who can name George Snr's vice president?
You have 5 seconds!!!



tonygillott@yahoo.co.uk
UNCLE MARKIE

Re: However, Tony

Post by UNCLE MARKIE »

This time the winner got more than a plurality; a relatively hefty majority!

Furthermore, 40% will always vote Republican and 40% Democratic. Of the 20% of us willing to make an independent decision not pre-determined by party affiliation, the split for the President was perhaps 60% to 40%.

Lastly, the President's acceptance remarks, like those in Kerry's concession, were full of humility. Had Kerry conducted himself that way during the campaign, he would have been today our Chief Executive.

Now get to sleep!
Reb Moish



mark@lgpltd.com
Tony Gillott
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Posts: 90
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2001 7:00 pm

Getting to sleep!

Post by Tony Gillott »

For the first time in my life I chose to defy Uncle Markie and instead of getting to sleep, I decided to get on vacation.
Loads of cheap booze, loads of good food at very cheap prices, last night, four for dinner, fifty bucks and excellent quality.
I have just returned from a wonderful week break in Tenerife, one of a group of islands (part of the Spanish administration) off the coast of Africa.
Cloumbus stopped off there on his way west, I however chose to turn back and head back east.
Take care all.
Regards
Tony G



tonygillott@yahoo.co.uk
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